Hello, friend. It's been years since I've written here.

There's nothing 'wrong' with people. There's nothing 'wrong' with trauma arising years later. There's nothing 'wrong' with still hurting from the pain of the past.

Society really subscribes to the idea that time heals all wounds.

That since an 'adequate' amount of time has passed since someone died, or since a break up, or whatever difficult experience or loss - that someone should be 'over it'.

And so if you're still not over it, something is wrong with you, that it shouldn't be this way.

But that's a flawed view.

Because time doesn't heal all wounds. Time does play a part in healing, but the process - the process of letting go - involves all sorts of factors - understanding, effort, closure, forgiveness, and so on.

If someone hasn't healed from a difficult experience, it just means that they haven't been able to process it in a healthy way. That's all.

It's like being shot. To stop the bleeding, you could sew the wound up and create the outward illusion that you're 'fine'. But until you take the bullet out, the injury will fester and hurt internally (and actually, in this example, probably give you gangrene and kill you). So until you reopen the wound and take the bullet out, you can't really begin to heal properly.

The rearising of trauma is sometimes a good thing, because pain is a message. It's a message that something needs to be addressed, that you need care. That there is something still to learn. (As opposed to, say, having a broken toe but not being able to feel the pain - if you can't feel the pain, you wouldn't know there's anything wrong and you wouldn't think to get it fixed even though you really need to).

The rearising of trauma could also mean you finally have the space to receive it. The painful experience could have happened years ago, but because we hate pain and incline towards numbing ourselves from it rather than actually addressing it (which requires going through the pain), we could have just been distracting ourselves - with a new relationship, or moving to a new city, or embracing the party animal lifestyle, or if you're thinking more socially-frowned-upon things then drugs and alcohol, or whatever - creating the illusion that we are 'fine' or 'over it'. And then one day, things quiet down, distractions are not as accessible as they were, say, because of a global pandemic. And all this unaddressed pain and trauma, all this 'unreceived life' starts creeping back to the surface, and before you know it the dam bursts. And you feel like you're drowning a little and you're like what's wrong with me why is this happening it's been years I thought I was fine it doesn't make sense!!!

But there's nothing 'wrong'. This is the grieving process - it's just been delayed by a few years.

Now is an opportunity to receive it, and to do the deep healing that is required. 

Now is the time to be gentle, to give yourself all the love and care. Now is the time to seek out help and support from your loved ones and, if you need, professionals.

It's a hard process, no doubt.

"If the pain was deep you will have to let it go many times" - Yung Pueblo

Pain seems to come in waves, and I've learned that as long as I haven't broken the cycle of the thought patterns or behaviours which are causing the pain, I will continue to be subject to it. As long as I haven't learned all that I have to learn from this pain, it will continue to visit (it's like this really naggy, overly-attached teacher haha).

However, I know I would rather be going through this than not. Because I know I'll be better at the end of it.

So the past year for me has been a crash course on pain. You can take the 'crash course' bit literally since the pain I'm dealing with resulted from an actual 10-foot high bouldering fall about a year ago 💁‍♀️ (Recap: broken humerus + ankle injuries: torn ATFL and CFL, split tendon [peroneus brevis I think?], bone bruising between the talus and tibia - these were misdiagnosed [undiagnosed really], and mistreated).

A WORD OF CAUTION: lots of spoilers ahead. I highly recommend reading this only after you have watched the movie, because it would be a shame to deprive yourself of the beautiful experience that is Princess Mononoke. This post is also more like a post-mortem discussion of the movie, and although I recount the plot in detail, I think it would be better appreciated / make for a more fulfilling read / discussion with prior knowledge of the movie and consequently perhaps your own reflections about it.

Contrary to many blogs and websites, I have included no images or GIFs of the movie. Studio Ghibli does not permit the use of their images on websites (Trust me, I have checked!). So you'll have to use your imagination (especially if you haven't watched the movie...)

OK you have been warned. Proceed at own will haha.


I know I'm supposed to be posting part 2 of the "Receptivity" series of blog posts, but I haven't been feeling up to writing it lately. The thing with blogging for me is that I usually write what I'm experiencing / learning currently (hey that's being receptive, right?), so yeah, it might take a while before I feel like talking about receptivity again. Sorry to the folks who have been waiting, if there are any haha!

"How do you live with a true heart when everything around you is collapsing?"

(Very apt words during these times)


Day #23580941204 of the Pandemic. I thank the sense pleasure gods (Mara? Oh no) for putting Ghibli movies on Netflix.

Princess Mononoke　「もののけ姫」
The first time I caught a glimpse of this movie must have been when I was a young kid, maybe in primary school, probably when my cousins were watching them at my aunty's house. I remember thinking it was gruesome because of the image of San with a bloody mouth and the black gooey worm stuff oozing out of the boars, which probably put me off a little.

I'm in my twenties now and more ready to take it on haha. Rewatching it a few weeks ago must have been my third time, and dude, what can I say. Ghibli is magic. I feel like at different stages of my life these movies speak to me differently. You pick up on more things when you start learning more about the world.

This time round watching it, I thought it was brilliant in a novel kind of way. I don't think it's touched me like this before. I actually cannot deal so hard that I have to write this whole blog post about it, which by the way, is really much less a review than just a documentation of my fangirling.

Before we proceed, let us establish:
Everything about this movie is a freaking masterpiece.

The animation. The soundtrack. The characters. The emotions portrayed, captured and evoked. The scenic subtleties of nature, like the sound of the crickets. And the silence. The meanings and messages.

There are so many themes and motifs that can be explored in this movie - nature vs technology, post-war industrialisation, environmentalism, Japanese folklore and mythology, religion, humanity, self and other, mortality, morality and purity, archaic attitudes towards leprosy, etc etc. Miyazaki has really outdone himself with this one, investigating a multitude of issues related to our human condition on an individual, existential and societal level within a two-hour animation. It's incredible and I am in awe.

There's a quote from him on this (as cited in Sullivan, 2016)

“We’ve made many films in the past, and our goal with those films has been to send a message of hope and the possibility of happiness to growing children. What we realized was that by continuing to make movies that only taught them about hope and happiness, we were in fact turning a deaf ear to their very urgent needs and pleas, and that if we did not make a movie that directly addressed their needs and pleas, we no longer would have the right to make films that would encourage them to be hopeful and happy. So we made this film knowing that we would need to step outside the boundaries of what you call entertainment; we made this film from a sense of mission.”

And so he has!

So how can one hope to give adequate commentary to the cinematic, artistic and culturally revolutionary masterpiece that is Princess Mononoke??? The answer is that one cannot. This post is definitely not an attempt to address all the issues that can be addressed.

That being said, another word of caution, it's still going to be a fairly long post I think. I've tried editing the structure a few times but it seems like this is my preferred way to go. What I'll do is chronologically recount the plot in detail with commentary, focusing more on the themes and scenes that resonate with me personally.

(See, this is what you do an Arts degree for!!!)


OK, first up. Let's talk about the protagonist, Ashitaka. He's probably my favourite fictional hero that's ever existed. Dutiful. Upright (well, to a degree). Noble. Brave. Patient. Gentle. Restraint. Steady. Level. Compassionate. Warrior. Maybe these qualities aren't the sexiest but they make my heart sing.

Obviously he's not perfect, he does kill and all that. But in the context of this fictional universe, he's pretty great man, lots of admirable qualities.

Let's talk about the very first action scene, where he kills Nago, a boar god, to protect his village. Before Ashitaka intervenes with Nago's rampage, Ji-san the watchman warns him that the beast is cursed so he should be careful not to let it touch him. So he's aware of the danger right. At first Ashitaka tries pleading with Nago, respectfully asking him to leave the villagers in peace, but to no avail.

He then proceeds to shoot him in the eyes, twice, the second time after having been touched by the black gooey stuff "demonising" Nago. The shot ends up killing him, but the black stuff leaves a cursed mark on Ashitaka's arm.
(Side note: is this a thing in Japanese culture or what? Naruto characters also had the whole cursed mark thing going on.)


After all the battle drama, the village "wise woman" Hi-sama reads the signs and says that the boar god had "some kind of poision inside him, driving him mad, a poisonous hatred that consumed his heart and flesh... and turned him into a demon monster".

She then tells Ashitaka to show everyone his arm, which bears the cursed mark. She then asks Ashitaka if he's ready to hear his fate.
I love this scene because Ashitaka just has this look of resolve and calm on his face, a kind of solemn fearlessness, as he says, "Yes, I was prepared the very moment that I let my arrow fly."

The Japanese here is 心を決めました - I decided in my heart / I resolved in my heart, in that moment.

I know the scene seems casual, but for me this is a strong statement about creating karma (i.e. action with intention).

You make decisions with intention (and hopefully the most wholesome of intentions) and awareness, and with that you fully accept their consequences, whether they end up being good or bad. I love that because in hindsight, when you look back at your actions, even if the results seem unfavourable, you know you can say that you made this decision with authority and firmness, with a readiness to accept the consequences. So whatever follows from there, you just accept. It's a kind of letting go, of any regret or doubt. I love that.

lol Hi-sama straight up tells Ashitaka that the infection will spread, cause him great pain and eventually kill him. Ashitaka looks down, absorbing this heavy news. But he's calm as, reacting in total warrior style. Meanwhile the village elders are freaking the hell out that their last prince has been fated to die.

Hi-sama says Ashitaka cannot alter his fate, but that he can "rise to meet it" if he chooses. She shows everyone an iron ball that was found in Nago's corpse. She says this is what turned him into a demon. She then declares that there is evil happening in the West, and that it is Ashitaka's fate "to go there and see what [he] can see with eyes unclouded by hate".

I love these words maaaaan. For once, the English might be as beautiful as the Japanese.

「曇りのない眼で物事を見定める」

This phrase recurs and sets the tone for the message of the movie. It's Ashitaka's aim, which seems like nothing significant because "seeing with eyes unclouded" is barely a kind of action or actionable objective. But it's actually everything... To keep the mind even, equanimous, free of likes and dislikes, true, free of delusion. It's seeing things as they really are. It's not easy. From a Dhamma POV, it's actually enlightenment haha! In any case, it's a powerful saying (also very poetic) and my favourite at the moment.

So yeah, this is the beginning of the storyline, but also the beginning of a brilliant metaphor, because Hayao Miyazaki is a freaking genius. More on this later.

Ashitaka solemnly accepts. He cuts off his hair (top-knot), which is a big deal because it seems to be a mark of the men of his tribe. In doing this, he is abandoning his status as a member of his clan, as their prince (Scheving, 2015). From here on, on his journeys, he will not speak of the land and the people that he has come from. He is now a nobody.

Double killer sadness - Hi-sama then says they're not even allowed to send him off. Ashitaka says nothing, stands up and leaves.

SORRY again this seems like nothing but just think of the emotion here... he has been sentenced to leave his people forever, most definitely succumb to a deadly curse and has been asked to go on a quest to face some evil somewhere, and he can't even bid farewell the only family he has ever known. The bravery and resolution in his heart, the letting go. Just patience with whatever needs to be done. Warrior. I LOVE IT.

Kaya, who is in love with Ashitaka and was hoping to marry him (Tokuma Shoten & Studio Ghibli, 1997), ignores the rules and says goodbye to him before he rides away with Yakul (his elk). She gives him her crystal dagger, which is apparently a very significant gesture as the ornament is supposedly something incredibly treasured for the clans-people ("Kaya", 2014). Kaya gives it to Ashitaka hoping he will not forget her. Ashitaka says he will always be thinking of Kaya (!!), although there is no further mention of her ever again from this point forth (!!?!!).

Ashitaka passes through a village in the midst of its attack by some samurai, who start attacking him. He shoots arrows in self-defence. My feeling here is that he's not shooting to kill, but as he starts defending himself, the cursed mark starts acting up and causes his arm to go a bit rogue, and his shots end up violently killing / dimembering some samurai.

This scene is interesting. It seems whenever he acts with some kind of malicious / hateful intention, the cursed mark acts up. It appears to symbolise hatred itself, and throughout the movie the more he acts with hatred within his heart, the more the mark spreads and grows.

Ashitaka meets Jigo, this shady dude working for the government (?) but claims he's a monk. Jigo tells Ashitaka about a place where the "Forest Spirit" (henceforth known as the Shishigami) dwells. Ashitaka keeps journeying.

Enter Lady Eboshi and San. Lady Eboshi, the leader of Irontown or Tatara Ba, leads an entourage of men and cattle transporting rice home. They are ambushed by San ("Princess Mononoke" / princess of the wolves) and her wolf clan. The attack is portrayed as one of the many run-ins they have had with one another. Eboshi's men start firing guns at them. San and her wolf sibilings scatter, but Moro, a wolf god and San's "mother", attacks from a different direction and gets shot.

Ashitaka is in the vicinity. Aftermath of the battle, he passes by a river and sees injured men and helps them. As he's doing this, he senses the presence of others - San and the wolves. He sees San for the first time and it's this magical moment - the all-too-familiar scene of San sucking venom and blood from Moro's wound and spitting it out, and then turning to glare at Ashitaka. It's iconic. As she rides away with the wolves, she yells out at Ashitaka to leave. In San's mind, Ashitaka is a human, one of them. No humans are welcome in the forest, they are a cancer. At first sight Ashitaka seemed to think they were gods, but he probably realised San was human when she yelled. I think for him it was like, who is this warrior chick and why is she rolling so closely with the wolves. It's a novel sight for him, and the audience too.

I really love this scene so much. The writers really allocated enough silence and space for the scene to evoke all sorts of emotions and implications - Ashitaka's marvel, human contact, Ashitaka's understanding of San's fierce love and die-hard protectiveness of the forest (which he later says he knew from the moment he saw her). Wonderful scene. Also the music ("The Encounter") here is just STUNNING.

Enter some Kodama, these little cute spirits that are "a sign that the forest is healthy". Ashitaka and the men follow the Kodama through the forest that Jigo was talking about. His arm acts up when he sees the Shishigami, which is a deer-like god that gives and takes life away, and to me seems to be the life and heart of the forest. I don't really have any deep thoughts about the Shishigami, but it just seems like this force of nature, a bit like The Force in Star Wars. Unlike the other gods in the movie (e.g. Nago, Moro and Okkoto), the Shishigami doesn't seem to hold hatred or have any of those messy emotions. It's almost like the Sun or the moon or just the force of life itself. Just nature.

The men arrive back at Irontown, which is where the injured men are from. We have a good look at the place, and it's a giant metal wasteland compared to the scenic forest we saw just before. The villagers are grateful to Ashitaka for returning their men. We see some interesting social dynamics here. Eboshi is the power figure in the village, which is interesting as it's rare to see a female power figure in anything Japanese-related. So, you know, I think that in itself makes a statement. She must really have something going for her.

Miyazaki had this to say about the female leadership (Tokuma Shoten & Studio Ghibli, 1997):

"It's not that I wanted to make it modern. It's just that depicting Tatara Ba under the rule of men would be boring. And if I made the boss of Tatara Ba a man, he would be a manager, not a revolutionary. If it's a woman, she becomes a revolutionary, even if she is doing the same thing."

It's really interesting because Eboshi has a really vocal dislike towards men and thinks they're just inferior compared to woen, and the men don't really challenge that, they actually respect her. The ladies in the villager were former prostitutes freed by Eboshi, and they are the ones working to make the iron (instead of the men, who seem to bring the rice home), and they just seem really empowered. There are also lepers in the village, who Eboshi had rescued and treated herself. So it seems like the villagers are just grateful to her and in awe, almost to the point of worship.

Ashitaka learns about the activities of the villagers - that they make iron and they pretty much tear nature apart for it. We get a real taste of how despicable mankind can be from these scenes, the feeling I have throughout is disgust for the humans and their filthy, selfish, toxic, destructive, consuming activities done out of desire and ignorance. The scene really sets the tone for the whole nature vs humans theme that runs through the film. And it's clear that part of the "evil in the West" is this bunch and their obnoxious gunfire. Ashitaka learns that it's Eboshi's crew that attacked Nago and his boars, and thus lit the fire of hatred in his being. The iron ball found in his body was probably one of their bullets.

Learning of all this, Ashitaka looks grim, and a villager asks him what's wrong. He grips his arm and says he was just thinking how Nago must have died filled with hatred. It's empathy - he understands now some of the other side of the story.

Ashitaka goes and sees Eboshi. She asks why he's really here. Ashitaka is straight up and I love it. He rips off his undershirt and shows her his cursed mark and the iron ball, explaining about Nago. Eboshi goes "What do you plan to do? What exactly are you here for?" while her side dude is about to pull out his katana and kill Ashitaka, who is all cool and collected (he gives me Haku from Spirited Away vibes - especially the scene were Yubaba freaks out that her baby is missing and her hair goes all fiery and crazy and she has her claws around Haku's neck but he's chill as).

Ashitaka goes, "To see with eyes unclouded by hate" 「曇りなきで見定め、決める」

Eboshi laughs at that and decides to show him around. Ashitaka begins to see and understand the operation. Eboshi shows him the lepers who make rifles for her and her fighters. He starts exploding a bit because the ignorance is so next level, he fully calls it out like "How much more hatred and pain do you think we need?" and Eboshi is like, yeah I'm the one who shot Nago, sorry mate. Ashitaka's hatred gets a bit real and so his arm starts going rogue, trying to grab his sword without his control. Like Mara has fully hijacked his arm. But he restrained himself and Eboshi taunts him, "Does that right hand of yours wish to kill me now, Ashitaka?" AND HE IS LIKE

"If it would lift the curse, I'd let it tear you apart, but even that wouldn't end the killing now, would it?"

Pause.
Metaphor analysis time.

Hatred begets hatred. Eboshi shoots boar, triggers hatred defilement in boar. Boar gets overcome by hatred and becomes a literal demon, attacks the Emishi tribe (i.e. Ashitaka's people). Ashitaka kills boar with hatred in his heart, gets cursed such that if he succumbs to hatred, he will be overcome by it and die. In this present moment, hatred has entered his heart again. If he succumbs to it and kills Eboshi, the cycle of hatred continues. The curse continues. And he will die, in the sense that his goodness dies, his humanity dies. He will lose himself to the darkness.
Through this line spoken by Ashitaka, Miyazaki expresses that hatred and the act of killing that results is the curse itself. Ashitaka's restraint is a glimpse of his understanding that hatred does not solve the problem created by hatred, it perpetuates it.

Then one of the lepers pipes up, telling Eboshi not to overlook Ashitaka's strength and telling Ashitaka not to take revenge on Eboshi. He speaks of her virtues, compassion and kindness towards them. He's telling Ashitaka, and giving commentary really, that there is no one that is wholly bad or wholly good. It's not that straightforward. And this is what we see in this movie that is so different from like a Disney movie, where the villain is so easily identified (see [Tokuma Shoten & Studio Ghibli, 1997) for more discussion). We are inclined to take the side of San and the wolves and the forest, and to see Eboshi as the villain. But she is not wholly bad, she has compassion and love and acts for the good of her people. And this reflects the complexity of people in the real world. But what can be certain is that when any character acts out of unwholesome intention, tainted with greed, hatred or delusion, the result is unwholesome. This reflects the laws of causality in the real world as well.

San attacks Irontown. The villagers prepare to trap her. Ashitaka tries to stop her, to save her, tells her to go back to the forest. San ends up getting into one-on-one combat with Eboshi. She means to kill her.

Ashitaka approaches the fight, his cursed mark is actin up so hard that it's manifesting this spirit-like aura, like the black gooey stuff on Nago's body. But he's steady, not going rogue. he comes between San and Eboshi, and I think it's at this moment that he understands his duty, what it means to 'see with eyes unclouded'. It's at this moment that the clouds start parting from his view.

Ashitaka reaches out his arms. San pounds his chest with the crystal dagger. She's lumping Ashitaka in with all of humanity again - whatever trust he has worked to build up with her is lost again. She hates him, and she hates all of them. She's rejecting him and his love. In doing so, she's also rejecting her own humanity. She cannot be the very thing that she hates.