I know I've been posting way more recently, I think part of that is how immobile I am at the moment! Talking to myself on this blog has been a kind of solace. Part of that is also having an excuse to procrastinate - I have a mid-sem test on Wednesday but you know, this is obviously more important hahaha.
Yesterday was the end of the Vassa - the three-month long annual Rains Retreat wherein monastics in the Theravada tradition intensify their practice. They usually observe greater seclusion during this time, not leaving the monastery too much (except to go on almsround) and engaging in more meditation practice.
I've never really seen the Vassa as a special period for my practice or anything like that. It was always 'oh, that's just what monks do for three months, that's not really anything to do with me'. But I think at the back of my head I would sometimes float ideas of like, 'ooh what if I observed a special practice during this period' or 'what if I take the 8 precepts during this period'. But I never engaged in it, just remained as ideas.
This Vassa was the first time I felt like I had some kind of active participation. Before the Vassa, around mid-July, Damo, Bec and I went to stay at Wat Buddha Dhamma in Wisemans Ferry, NSW. I stayed for only two weeks while the rest (including Ash, who joined later) stayed for the rest of the Rains.
The Wat is a very special place. It is located 40 minutes drive into Dharug National Park, which makes it very quiet and secluded; the only hints of civilisation come from the occasional sounds of planes flying overhead, scout groups camping around the area, passing cyclists, and so on.
This retreat was a turning point for me. There are so many things that happened and that I learned, but it's so hard to write it all out like this (trust me, I've tried a few times - those posts are still in drafts haha). Let's just say they were really important experiences that I needed to step up in my practice, and I'm just so glad I went.
I used to have a big fear of my mind on retreats (still kind of do, but this retreat did so much to help me overcome that) because I tend to push too hard, wanting to achieve all sorts of things. But on this retreat, I made the decision to go because I wanted to go. I tried my best to make sure I wasn't coming from a place of obligation - some idea that I had to go and practise. In fact, I decided not to go at one point - but then listened to this amazing timely talk by Aj Sumedho that made me want to take on the challenge. Because, if not now, when?
I wrote a list of things to remember during the retreat, in a notebook that I brought along to write reflections in. They were words I needed to uplift me when I fell back into the habit of idealism and striving for perfection, and I often looked back at them and tried to incorporate them into my practice. Perhaps this will give you an idea of what I gained from the experience:
Sunday 14th July
Staying @ WBD.
1. Practise patience. Learn to endure the unendurable.
2. Going nowhere, wanting nothing.
3. Here to practise and train, not to achieve perfection and liberation.
4. The mind will go crazy, like an animal. This is normal. Surrender. (Context: Aj Sumedho talk previously mentioned)
5. Ride that elephant. Go it. (Context: this epic sutta)
6. The trump card: The Buddha existed, and he was fully enlightened. (Context: 'The Trump Card' on pg 241 in Beginning Our Day (vol 1))
7. The First Noble Truth: fully know, fully recognise suffering.
8. Do and let go. Not practising becoming.
9. It is always okay!
10. Ask yourself what you're clinging to. "Perhaps not even thinking, 'I can do it' or 'Maybe I can do it', but just a wordless trying without expectation, a wordless spaciousness. Just try. Just fall. Have fun. Don't take it so serious. It's about the climb!"
11. Surrender.
12. Take all the time in the world. Whatever you need to be still.
13. Put a smile on your dial! ❤️
Context for no. 8:
It was the most fruitful retreat for me, not because I attained all sorts of elevated states in meditation. But because I began to form an understanding of what it means to 'live the Dhamma'. The structure offered by the Ajahn Chah tradition is amazing - it truly is a lifestyle in which Dhamma is practised, instead of this is my life, and this is my practice, and the two are separate.
Another super important thing I learned is that a retreat is not for you to just 'get your samadhi' but cultivate whatever paramis you can cultivate - whether that is patience or persistence, etc. And I think this applies to the whole of the practice. More important than trying to 'get samadhi' is to cultivate a spaciousness of mind. I love this so much man. So much less dogmatic, and more about skilful means - how can I work skilfully with the conditions I have now? How can I work with the tools I have available? So then every condition provides an opportunity to cultivate, rather than fooling yourself into thinking 'I need perfect conditions, then I can practise'.
For me, a lot of this retreat was correcting my ideas about what it means to practise and 'progress', and the backbone of that all was patience. I needed to be patient with my hectic mind, the delusion, the mental agitation. If I couldn't yet cultivate samadhi or tranquility, I could at least cultivate patience. I remember in one of Ajahn Sumedho's books, he said: "I’m developing patience. If I just learn to be patient in this lifetime, I’ve not wasted it. Just to be a little more patient is good enough." (Chapter 8, Patience). Ajahn says patience is such an underrated virtue, it seems really average and like unexciting compared to 'more profound' qualities like samadhi and wisdom. But patience is one of the highest virtues - patience brings you to the end of the path. If you had the patience to endure all that is unendurable, how could you not succeed in the end?
It was funny because I went into the retreat with this resolve of wanting to cultivate patience. On Saturday nights at the Wat, Ajahn Tiradhammo would be invited to give a Dhamma talk. For the very first one to kick off the Vassa, he spoke about patience. He said patience is important - we need a long-term view of the practice. If we are always willing to return to the practice and endure whatever conditions that are difficult, eventually we reach the unconditioned, which is behind all the conditions.
I think that says something about the quality of patience. It's not the teeth-gritting forcefulness we usually understand to be 'endurance', but more like being at peace with things, which I think necessarily involves letting go. I remember someone saying patience is the closest quality to what we call 'letting go'.
Referring back to the Taoist teaching I posted a while ago, there's one line that says: "Be patient and you will achieve all things". Hardcore wisdom right there. Life is a paradox.
Recently I had the reflection that if I am struggling in my practice, it means that I am trying. If I am at least trying, then that is a good sign. That's a different way to look at challenges, which I usually find discouraging.
Another important thing I learned from this retreat was the concept of ease. Which sounds like it should come really easy (pun intended), but for a neurotic mind like mine, nah man. I don't really want to get into the details but watching the monks go about their day-to-day made me understand what ease really means. I guess it's tough, because we have ideas of needing to exert effort and strive and push, and we apply our worldly understanding of what effort means to the whole practice. I'd been reading so much about 'relaxed effort' before and just trying to wrap my head around that whole idea of 'non-striving' but really, I needed to see these qualities embodied.
I was so fortunate, because some of the monks there were really the most easy-going. Ajahn Khemavaro was this force of nature that brought lightness into every situation. There was so much laughter and joy with him around, there was one sutta study session we had with him where we were just laughing uncontrollably. Ajahn Tiradhammo was also just such a joyful presence to be around, with a childlike quality of joy and humour. Jillo explained the monks are strict, but they do not force. I love that.
It’s easy for me to describe what they are like, but nothing can ever compare to being in their presence.
Staying among the Sangha like that for the first time taught me the value of keeping noble company, 'the sight of Samanas' as mentioned in the Mangala Sutta. Nothing compares to that lived experience. It was only after staying at WBD that I saw how truly conducive the Sangha was for practice, compared to lay life.
I wrote this in one of the entries in the notebook:
"Out of all the places I have been to stay and practise, this is the best. In my heart, the teaching here feels right. I feel very lucky and grateful. Also that I have Damo, Bec, Jillo, Derek, Aj T & Aj K and the rest of the wonderful community here. Part of me doesn't want to leave. I will know what I am missing. I think no matter how tough the mind was to handle that day, you do not look back on that time and regret it. Because you have at least had one mindful inhalation. At least one mindful moment. At least some wholesomeness. You have lived meaningfully, which does not necessarily mean it is always pleasure and happiness. You feel you are pursuing something noble, albeit difficult."
It's really not easy living such a different way of life like that. Everyday can be challenging. Everyday is a battle against the mind. Mad respect for the Sangha, who endure what is difficult to endure.
Coming back to Melb, I was really excited to go see Ajahn Hasapañño and tell him all my experiences. He gave me lots of encouragement, and I was so happy.
With my big brothers and sister gone, and Angie and Mabel away, I was spending a lot of my time with Meow and KahHoe - and later, Dara. Dara lives on my street but we were never close before. This Vassa brought us much closer together.
Dara's right effort is mad inspiring. This year at Vimokkharam Forest Hermitage (I think you can call it my home monastery), Ajahn Hāsapañño started opening up the Vassa evening chanting and meditation to the public. In past years, this wasn't a thing because having only one resident monk made it difficult if women were to come up to the hermitage without men. This year, Ajahn Bom from Ajahn Dtun's monastery in Thailand came to stay with Ajahn Hāsapañño, and that gave us laypeople the opportunity to partake in these nightly sessions.
I didn't appreciate the sessions until Dara started inviting me to go. She was like a total powerhouse man, she was trying to go as many nights as she could because she would have put in so much effort by the end of the Rains that it would help her practice for sure (and it definitely has). She really appreciated that Ajahn was doing this for the lay community. Since she lives on my street and drives a car, I've been lucky to be able to go along with her as well. I haven't done as much time as she has, but I've definitely benefitted from the sessions.
During the night time sessions, the monks make it a point not to engage in too much conversation with laypeople. The idea is that you're heading up to Vimo just to practise. Chant, meditate, then go home. There's something really special about that - and Vimo at night. The energy and solitude just makes it really conducive for cultivating that spaciousness and calmness of mind.
Yesterday we had the robe offering ceremony at Vimo. Only on these big occasions does Ajahn Hāsapañño give talks, and usually they're pretty short. But he gives his whole heart and they always leave an impression on me. Yesterday he spoke about how inspiring the community has been. Some people have made it a point to keep their Five Precepts unbroken during the Vassa, some have determined to keep the Eight Precepts, which is very hard for laypeople. Some have determined to offer food to the Sangha every single day without fail. Some have upheld these practices, and this is inspiring.
Ajahn also said that the last time he opened the nightly sittings to the public, there weren't very many people who came. But this year, many people showed up to practise, and out of the entire Rains, there were only 3 nights that no one showed up.
Ajahn said he sacrifices a lot of his personal time to help people with their problems. He said that it is the most gratifying feeling when other people in our universities or workplaces see that we have practised, and see value in that. When he hears these stories, he feels the sacrifice is worth it.
Ajahn said this community at Vimo is a good one. He said it is doing better than it ever has in the history of the hermitage.
I was just tearing up listening to the talk. I felt so grateful to be part of this community of Dhamma.
(Edit: the talk was recorded and posted here - very rare)
Here are some pictures:
To end an epic Vassa, me, Xeyiing and Dara decided to make it a full day of practice and stayed for afternoon and evening meditation. It was truly a beautiful day, and a beautiful end to the Rains.
I definitely did not have a full-on hardcore Vassa like other practitioners did, but I put in some effort during the Rains, and that's something I rejoice in and am contented with. Ajahn said yesterday mudita or appreciative joy is something that is unique to the Buddha's teaching. It's alright to pat yourself on the back hehe.
Going forward, I aspire to amp up my dana (generosity) practice - I find I'm lacking in this area. Dara is super strong in her dana practice so I'm gonna be rubbing off her for that one.
I also aspire to refine my sila (morality). Yesterday Ajahn was talking about sila and how it creates safety for the world and for oneself. He said that in keeping your precepts well, you create trust in yourself that no matter how far you fall, there is a certain standard you will still adamantly uphold - the Five Precepts. No matter how badly you're doing, you can take solace in that. He also told us about a thought-experiment Ajahn Vajiro sometimes mentions: imagine if everyone in Melbourne kept the Five Precepts. We wouldn't need keys or policemen. That's the kind of world we can create within the monastery, but when we leave, we have to be careful.
He then started telling all these epic stories of Krooba Ajahns (senior teachers in the Thai Forest Tradition) who have kept such good sila in this and past lives that minimal physical harm comes to them. These stories sometimes sound hard to believe so I won't post them here. All I know is, I want to be that powerful. This is true safety -- one of those things no amount of wealth, fame and power can afford you.
Ajahn said his teacher LP Liem doesn't talk too much about the brahma-viharas (loving-kindness, compassion, appreciative joy and equanimity) because if you're really keeping sila in your heart, these qualities arise naturally.
So yes, I hope to fine my sila till it's imprinted in the heart.
And of course, keep going with the meditation hehe.
So grateful for all these blessings!!!
Okay, I think that's all for now - I should really get back to studying sociolinguistics man.
Yesterday was the end of the Vassa - the three-month long annual Rains Retreat wherein monastics in the Theravada tradition intensify their practice. They usually observe greater seclusion during this time, not leaving the monastery too much (except to go on almsround) and engaging in more meditation practice.
I've never really seen the Vassa as a special period for my practice or anything like that. It was always 'oh, that's just what monks do for three months, that's not really anything to do with me'. But I think at the back of my head I would sometimes float ideas of like, 'ooh what if I observed a special practice during this period' or 'what if I take the 8 precepts during this period'. But I never engaged in it, just remained as ideas.
This Vassa was the first time I felt like I had some kind of active participation. Before the Vassa, around mid-July, Damo, Bec and I went to stay at Wat Buddha Dhamma in Wisemans Ferry, NSW. I stayed for only two weeks while the rest (including Ash, who joined later) stayed for the rest of the Rains.
The Wat is a very special place. It is located 40 minutes drive into Dharug National Park, which makes it very quiet and secluded; the only hints of civilisation come from the occasional sounds of planes flying overhead, scout groups camping around the area, passing cyclists, and so on.
 |
| The only picture I took of the Wat! This is the view from outside the dana / kitchen area. I can almost hear the birds... |
 |
| Some residents of WBD during the Rains. Some were not pictured (probably off doing monastery work somewhere). From left to right: (Top row) Ajahn Chaiyaporn, Ajahn Khemavaro, Luang Por Tiradhammo, Ajahn MahaAir, Ajahn Sudhammo, Ajahn Krich, Anagarika Jillo. (Bottom row) Kelly, Damian, me, David, Rebecca. |
I used to have a big fear of my mind on retreats (still kind of do, but this retreat did so much to help me overcome that) because I tend to push too hard, wanting to achieve all sorts of things. But on this retreat, I made the decision to go because I wanted to go. I tried my best to make sure I wasn't coming from a place of obligation - some idea that I had to go and practise. In fact, I decided not to go at one point - but then listened to this amazing timely talk by Aj Sumedho that made me want to take on the challenge. Because, if not now, when?
I wrote a list of things to remember during the retreat, in a notebook that I brought along to write reflections in. They were words I needed to uplift me when I fell back into the habit of idealism and striving for perfection, and I often looked back at them and tried to incorporate them into my practice. Perhaps this will give you an idea of what I gained from the experience:
Sunday 14th July
Staying @ WBD.
1. Practise patience. Learn to endure the unendurable.
2. Going nowhere, wanting nothing.
3. Here to practise and train, not to achieve perfection and liberation.
4. The mind will go crazy, like an animal. This is normal. Surrender. (Context: Aj Sumedho talk previously mentioned)
5. Ride that elephant. Go it. (Context: this epic sutta)
6. The trump card: The Buddha existed, and he was fully enlightened. (Context: 'The Trump Card' on pg 241 in Beginning Our Day (vol 1))
7. The First Noble Truth: fully know, fully recognise suffering.
8. Do and let go. Not practising becoming.
9. It is always okay!
10. Ask yourself what you're clinging to. "Perhaps not even thinking, 'I can do it' or 'Maybe I can do it', but just a wordless trying without expectation, a wordless spaciousness. Just try. Just fall. Have fun. Don't take it so serious. It's about the climb!"
11. Surrender.
12. Take all the time in the world. Whatever you need to be still.
13. Put a smile on your dial! ❤️
Context for no. 8:
It was the most fruitful retreat for me, not because I attained all sorts of elevated states in meditation. But because I began to form an understanding of what it means to 'live the Dhamma'. The structure offered by the Ajahn Chah tradition is amazing - it truly is a lifestyle in which Dhamma is practised, instead of this is my life, and this is my practice, and the two are separate.
Another super important thing I learned is that a retreat is not for you to just 'get your samadhi' but cultivate whatever paramis you can cultivate - whether that is patience or persistence, etc. And I think this applies to the whole of the practice. More important than trying to 'get samadhi' is to cultivate a spaciousness of mind. I love this so much man. So much less dogmatic, and more about skilful means - how can I work skilfully with the conditions I have now? How can I work with the tools I have available? So then every condition provides an opportunity to cultivate, rather than fooling yourself into thinking 'I need perfect conditions, then I can practise'.
For me, a lot of this retreat was correcting my ideas about what it means to practise and 'progress', and the backbone of that all was patience. I needed to be patient with my hectic mind, the delusion, the mental agitation. If I couldn't yet cultivate samadhi or tranquility, I could at least cultivate patience. I remember in one of Ajahn Sumedho's books, he said: "I’m developing patience. If I just learn to be patient in this lifetime, I’ve not wasted it. Just to be a little more patient is good enough." (Chapter 8, Patience). Ajahn says patience is such an underrated virtue, it seems really average and like unexciting compared to 'more profound' qualities like samadhi and wisdom. But patience is one of the highest virtues - patience brings you to the end of the path. If you had the patience to endure all that is unendurable, how could you not succeed in the end?
It was funny because I went into the retreat with this resolve of wanting to cultivate patience. On Saturday nights at the Wat, Ajahn Tiradhammo would be invited to give a Dhamma talk. For the very first one to kick off the Vassa, he spoke about patience. He said patience is important - we need a long-term view of the practice. If we are always willing to return to the practice and endure whatever conditions that are difficult, eventually we reach the unconditioned, which is behind all the conditions.
"Things can change, if we allow them to."
I think that says something about the quality of patience. It's not the teeth-gritting forcefulness we usually understand to be 'endurance', but more like being at peace with things, which I think necessarily involves letting go. I remember someone saying patience is the closest quality to what we call 'letting go'.
Referring back to the Taoist teaching I posted a while ago, there's one line that says: "Be patient and you will achieve all things". Hardcore wisdom right there. Life is a paradox.
Recently I had the reflection that if I am struggling in my practice, it means that I am trying. If I am at least trying, then that is a good sign. That's a different way to look at challenges, which I usually find discouraging.
Another important thing I learned from this retreat was the concept of ease. Which sounds like it should come really easy (pun intended), but for a neurotic mind like mine, nah man. I don't really want to get into the details but watching the monks go about their day-to-day made me understand what ease really means. I guess it's tough, because we have ideas of needing to exert effort and strive and push, and we apply our worldly understanding of what effort means to the whole practice. I'd been reading so much about 'relaxed effort' before and just trying to wrap my head around that whole idea of 'non-striving' but really, I needed to see these qualities embodied.
I was so fortunate, because some of the monks there were really the most easy-going. Ajahn Khemavaro was this force of nature that brought lightness into every situation. There was so much laughter and joy with him around, there was one sutta study session we had with him where we were just laughing uncontrollably. Ajahn Tiradhammo was also just such a joyful presence to be around, with a childlike quality of joy and humour. Jillo explained the monks are strict, but they do not force. I love that.
It’s easy for me to describe what they are like, but nothing can ever compare to being in their presence.
Staying among the Sangha like that for the first time taught me the value of keeping noble company, 'the sight of Samanas' as mentioned in the Mangala Sutta. Nothing compares to that lived experience. It was only after staying at WBD that I saw how truly conducive the Sangha was for practice, compared to lay life.
I wrote this in one of the entries in the notebook:
"Out of all the places I have been to stay and practise, this is the best. In my heart, the teaching here feels right. I feel very lucky and grateful. Also that I have Damo, Bec, Jillo, Derek, Aj T & Aj K and the rest of the wonderful community here. Part of me doesn't want to leave. I will know what I am missing. I think no matter how tough the mind was to handle that day, you do not look back on that time and regret it. Because you have at least had one mindful inhalation. At least one mindful moment. At least some wholesomeness. You have lived meaningfully, which does not necessarily mean it is always pleasure and happiness. You feel you are pursuing something noble, albeit difficult."
It's really not easy living such a different way of life like that. Everyday can be challenging. Everyday is a battle against the mind. Mad respect for the Sangha, who endure what is difficult to endure.
Coming back to Melb, I was really excited to go see Ajahn Hasapañño and tell him all my experiences. He gave me lots of encouragement, and I was so happy.
With my big brothers and sister gone, and Angie and Mabel away, I was spending a lot of my time with Meow and KahHoe - and later, Dara. Dara lives on my street but we were never close before. This Vassa brought us much closer together.
Dara's right effort is mad inspiring. This year at Vimokkharam Forest Hermitage (I think you can call it my home monastery), Ajahn Hāsapañño started opening up the Vassa evening chanting and meditation to the public. In past years, this wasn't a thing because having only one resident monk made it difficult if women were to come up to the hermitage without men. This year, Ajahn Bom from Ajahn Dtun's monastery in Thailand came to stay with Ajahn Hāsapañño, and that gave us laypeople the opportunity to partake in these nightly sessions.
I didn't appreciate the sessions until Dara started inviting me to go. She was like a total powerhouse man, she was trying to go as many nights as she could because she would have put in so much effort by the end of the Rains that it would help her practice for sure (and it definitely has). She really appreciated that Ajahn was doing this for the lay community. Since she lives on my street and drives a car, I've been lucky to be able to go along with her as well. I haven't done as much time as she has, but I've definitely benefitted from the sessions.
During the night time sessions, the monks make it a point not to engage in too much conversation with laypeople. The idea is that you're heading up to Vimo just to practise. Chant, meditate, then go home. There's something really special about that - and Vimo at night. The energy and solitude just makes it really conducive for cultivating that spaciousness and calmness of mind.
Yesterday we had the robe offering ceremony at Vimo. Only on these big occasions does Ajahn Hāsapañño give talks, and usually they're pretty short. But he gives his whole heart and they always leave an impression on me. Yesterday he spoke about how inspiring the community has been. Some people have made it a point to keep their Five Precepts unbroken during the Vassa, some have determined to keep the Eight Precepts, which is very hard for laypeople. Some have determined to offer food to the Sangha every single day without fail. Some have upheld these practices, and this is inspiring.
Ajahn also said that the last time he opened the nightly sittings to the public, there weren't very many people who came. But this year, many people showed up to practise, and out of the entire Rains, there were only 3 nights that no one showed up.
Ajahn said he sacrifices a lot of his personal time to help people with their problems. He said that it is the most gratifying feeling when other people in our universities or workplaces see that we have practised, and see value in that. When he hears these stories, he feels the sacrifice is worth it.
Ajahn said this community at Vimo is a good one. He said it is doing better than it ever has in the history of the hermitage.
I was just tearing up listening to the talk. I felt so grateful to be part of this community of Dhamma.
(Edit: the talk was recorded and posted here - very rare)
Here are some pictures:
To end an epic Vassa, me, Xeyiing and Dara decided to make it a full day of practice and stayed for afternoon and evening meditation. It was truly a beautiful day, and a beautiful end to the Rains.
I definitely did not have a full-on hardcore Vassa like other practitioners did, but I put in some effort during the Rains, and that's something I rejoice in and am contented with. Ajahn said yesterday mudita or appreciative joy is something that is unique to the Buddha's teaching. It's alright to pat yourself on the back hehe.
Going forward, I aspire to amp up my dana (generosity) practice - I find I'm lacking in this area. Dara is super strong in her dana practice so I'm gonna be rubbing off her for that one.
I also aspire to refine my sila (morality). Yesterday Ajahn was talking about sila and how it creates safety for the world and for oneself. He said that in keeping your precepts well, you create trust in yourself that no matter how far you fall, there is a certain standard you will still adamantly uphold - the Five Precepts. No matter how badly you're doing, you can take solace in that. He also told us about a thought-experiment Ajahn Vajiro sometimes mentions: imagine if everyone in Melbourne kept the Five Precepts. We wouldn't need keys or policemen. That's the kind of world we can create within the monastery, but when we leave, we have to be careful.
He then started telling all these epic stories of Krooba Ajahns (senior teachers in the Thai Forest Tradition) who have kept such good sila in this and past lives that minimal physical harm comes to them. These stories sometimes sound hard to believe so I won't post them here. All I know is, I want to be that powerful. This is true safety -- one of those things no amount of wealth, fame and power can afford you.
Ajahn said his teacher LP Liem doesn't talk too much about the brahma-viharas (loving-kindness, compassion, appreciative joy and equanimity) because if you're really keeping sila in your heart, these qualities arise naturally.
So yes, I hope to fine my sila till it's imprinted in the heart.
And of course, keep going with the meditation hehe.
So grateful for all these blessings!!!
Okay, I think that's all for now - I should really get back to studying sociolinguistics man.
Metta!
