I used to have way more issues than I do now. So many, you guys, but I think I want to focus on self-love and anxiety here.

I used to have the ultimate perfectionist nature, to compare everything of mine with everyone else's, to have to aim for top in whatever at the expense of my well-being and everything else. Naturally with an attitude like that, I didn't have a lot of self-love. I could like compartmentalise and separate emotions and goals and it was madness. I think I have a high tolerance for masochistic suffering because surprisingly I could stomach all that (which was a lot, a lot, a lot).

After embarking on spiritual life, things changed.

At first I was blindly applying the same perfectionist principles to spirituality but after maybe 2 years I realised, 'Wait what's this feeling? It's suffering. Why am I suffering when I'm striving to be happy? Oh no, I think... I think I've been very unkind to myself.'

I had a habit of beating myself up. Just stressing way out and feeling really guilty, thinking way too much about anything ever. I think it can be described as 'mentally self-abusive'.

And I thought that was okay, I think I was very happy having this kind of mindset because it was almost like a deep sense of inferiority yet very much intermingled with superiority, so it appeared sort of harmless. But when we refer to the ego, when we say 'I am egoistic', it's not just saying 'I mistakenly think I am better than others', it's also 'I mistakenly think I am worse than others' or 'I mistakenly think I am equal to others'. Identification with 'our' traits is what fuels the ego so essentially any comparison is 'egoistic' – to have a very strong sense of self. With this sense of self, we are shaken by many things. I was so affected by gain and loss, praise and blame, pleasure and pain. When I gained something, I would be like 'yes, good enough'. When I lost, I would be beating myself up.

So although I was very happily accepting my sense of inferiority, I was just being plain egoistic, and ignorant.

Ignorance is amazing. When we are ignorant, we are as if blind. Meditation helps a lot in identifying where things hurt inside so you know where to put the band-aid, but when ignorance is thick, it's like you feel pain but you're still knocking on your bruises because your brain doesn't know where it hurts.

This masochism and lack of self-love was one of my deep-rooted character traits so even though it was obviously causing me lots of suffering, I was very (if not totally) oblivious to it. And suffering is such that it can only end when you become aware of it.

So what a relief it was when I did!

Thanks to many good friends who continually told me 'chill', 'why so serious', 'omg stop stressing', 'you think too much', I finally realised. They'd been telling me for a long time, but I don't think it ever really registered because when our views are fixed a certain way, all other views seem immaterial and irrelevant. I started realising, whoa I'm a walking anxious self-criticising ball of wreck and I need to stop. So I did.

I went to Bro. Tan, who among many important pieces of advice, told me to 'swing my arms, relax a bit'.

I started watching this mind and saw how it takes the littlest of shortcomings and proliferates as if it was in some profound dilemma about whether to nuke the whole world, how it gives itself sharp blows after some mistake has been made, how it peeks at others and compares to see if I'm doing it better. I just watched and watched, just letting it be because mental states and feelings are out of our control. So I watched and enjoyed the show, then I let it go. I started to replace the self-abuse with self-love, like 'yes okay I did that silly thing yeah but it's okay lah come we swing arms'.

Soon the inner babbling and proliferation quietened and if it does rear its ugly head from time to time, I'm not too affected by it anymore.

Self-love is so important. Self-love comes under the 'metta' sort of love.
Metta makes the world go round.

Metta is the unconditioned love a mother has for her child. It is the goodwill siblings have for one another, the kindness that prompts strangers to hold open doors and give up seats. It is an unattached love that is not dependent on anything, it is there whether you do well in life or not. It is forgiving, it does not care who you are, what you have done or what you look like. It is the love Jesus refers to when he says 'turn the other cheek'. Metta loves simply because.

Metta is not without compassion, karuna, which is the quivering of the heart when there is suffering. It drives acts of kindness done out of compassion.

Metta and karuna are so important because when you are not doing well, they pick you up, give you a metaphorical hot chocolate, give you a big metaphorical hug and tell you you're okay.

One day I was walking home from the train station (as mentioned in the last post, an ideal setting for life contemplations), and I realised that on top of every other strength, my mum used to give me all this metta and karuna, but now that she's not here I have to be strong and give it to myself. If I don't love myself, there is no security, no khema.

When I started having self-love, I believe the ego also lessened. Every time I found myself comparing with others, the mind would pull back and remember what I once read from Osho:

"Existence is so creative that it never repeats anything. You cannot find another human being in the present, in the past, or in the future who is going to resemble you exactly. It has never happened. The human being is not a mechanism like Ford cars on an assembly line. Never imitate anybody…"

Each person is unique, is subject to a different set of causes and conditions, has their own place in the world. Therefore, comparison is completely futile.

And what is in the past, is done and dusted. If we go back, we are not living in reality – the present. Mistakes are okay because they are teachers and we must learn from them.

Regarding perfectionism, when I realised 'good enough' was good enough, that's when I became good enough for myself.

I started to loosen my grip on a lot of things, to let go, and that's when life became easier and happier.

I think another massive realisation was: it is okay to not be okay.

Suffering is okay. The problem comes when we reject that suffering and go like 'Why do I feel like this? I don't want to feel like this.' When we realise that we can hardly control our feelings, then what's easier will be to not try to control them but to let them be and let them go. To be at ease with dis-ease.

Ahh. Life is so beautiful and peaceful like this.

I don't know why but this poem that I read a long time ago comes to mind. Don't agree with every bit but it is beautiful. Take what you may from it.

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

- Desiderata, Max Ehrmann