I've been having a hard time since the accident. Yes, lots of gratitude and joy -- but also suffering, of course. Ajahn Hasapañño the other day said I was getting a "crash course on the First Noble Truth, no pun intended" (he's the best).

I'm just gonna be really honest about how I feel right now. In many ways, I feel like I haven't been doing very well. I feel like I'm not practising well, my meditation hasn't been as consistent as what it was. I think that's taken a toll on my self-esteem because no matter how bad I was doing in life, I was always sitting consistently. I'm putting in more effort to pull back and reestablish that consistency, but it hasn't been the same.

Which fair enough -- conditions are different. The whole arm and foot situation is just making me less mobile in general. Not being able to work out or even go out for very long is incredibly frustrating. I feel like the whole thing has crashed my flow - my social life, exercise regime, uni routine, etc. I feel like I'm just waiting for this whole thing to pass so that normalcy may resume.

That's kind of scary when I think about it, because that's still time passing, whether or not I want it to, and whether or not I'm making best use of it. That's like being totally reliant on conditions - totally disempowering.

I've been escaping the discomfort and finding pleasure through K-dramas (judge me all you want), I've been moody and emotional and grouchy, I've been really scattered on some days, really mentally drained, dreaming way too much at night to really feel rested.

I've also been quite frustrated and concerned about uni. I'm doing the best that I can, giving it 100%, putting so much effort into it that it's not even funny. It's been frustrating because I definitely feel less focused, and things take way longer to get done. At the start of the semester, I was already feeling drained and unmotivated, already having to push myself to perform. Things are just harder with this whole situation.

But in some ways, I feel more free.

Because of these restrictions, I've been telling myself 'it's alright'. I've been telling myself I'm doing my best, and that's enough. Because if you think about it, how can your best not be enough? Your best is the limit of what is possible given the present conditions. What lies beyond that is impossible. So it is impossible to do less than your best, no matter how shit you think it is. I'm giving it my best, and that is enough -- it has to be.

This experience has taught me a lot about the value of friendship. In this talk by Ajahn Jayasaro, he shares a Thai idiom: there are two kinds of friends - 'eat friends' and 'die friends'. An 'eat friend' is someone who will eat with you -- particularly if you're paying -- but when times get tough, they disappear. But a 'die friend' is someone who will die for you.

I felt so touched and paiseh (translation for non-Malaysians: embarrassed / shameful / shy) for troubling Gülsüm when she offered to stay over to help with cooking and things. She said something like "If I can't do this for you, then our friendship means nothing." That shut me up and I felt so blessed. We don't even see each other that often, like not even on a weekly basis type of thing.

The past few months, I've been introspecting and pondering the harshness of life with Asanga. The guy is like doing some epic traveling, the quinessential Eurotrip, but we've been in touch like he's in Melbourne (plus time difference). Makes me think distance isn't a physical thing; distance is in the heart. You could be next to each other but miles apart. There's no real excuse, if that person matters enough (then again, people connect and express themselves on different levels, all good).

Massively grateful for my 'die friends'.

Peace ✌️