go gentle.: 2019

Yo, metta is actually hardcore power

good friends November 06, 2019

Lessons from climbing: positivity

climbing October 12, 2019

I wrote this note a while back, and it's been sitting in my Evernote ever since. It was a pretty personal reflection to me at the time, but I think I'd like to share it. Probably a bit ironic / irrelevant at the moment given what happened to my arm, but most of this stuff still holds.

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On a plane back from Malaysia to Melbourne. It's a daytime flight, so I have all this time. Also kinda felt like writing stuff.

This past year has been interesting. Probably a lot of things were triggered by the paradigm shift, I feel like I'm returning to 'me' - whoever or whatever that is. I feel more authentic and true to myself, trying to do things from understanding rather than force or willpower or obligation.

I think a big thing is also climbing. Yesterday, Ryan said "climbing is such a personal thing". I agree - but I guess sport and every other kind of thing can be seen in that light. For me, climbing has been a more obvious way of symbolising our human potential.

A route is known as a 'problem'. The aim of the problem is to get to the top. Just a stream-of-consciousness type of reflection on the whole process: I'll look up at the problem, assessing a possible combination of hand- and footholds that I could use. But I realise I'm never that fixated with reaching the top, or that when I do, there isn't a super gratifying exhilaration or anything like that, or if there was some kind of pleasurable feeling, it's quite fleeting. In short, 'topping' for me is not really the focus of the climbing. I guess there is a big sense of relief when you do reach the top, kind of like 'my work is done here'. But it's not like fireworks, you know?

The best part of climbing for me is overcoming a part of the problem that was previously a hindrance, and the mindsets and efforts behind all that. The feeling of falling off the wall - acknowledging that I don't know where to place my limbs, or that I can't do it because everything just hurts right now and I know that and that it's okay. So then finding my feet on the ground, looking up at the part of the problem I was stuck at, and thinking - okay, how can I make this work? Where should I place my hands and feet? How should I position my body? And then trying that out, maybe immediately or after a couple days when the body is refreshed. The best part is getting that much further in the problem, even if it's just a little bit. In the words of Miley Cyrus, "it's the cliiiiiiiiiiiimb".

30th August

3rd September

6th September

I think the best lesson I have taken from climbing is the positivity. Everyone ever has heard the words "believe you can do it, and you will be able to". I think I used to shrug this off as a big cliche, and think, yeah sure but people have different capabilities, not everyone can actually do it. It's been interesting bursting this perception - I think it really began with Ajahn Vajiro's talk that Meow kept asking me to listen to -- that there are only three things we as Buddhists believe:

The Buddha existed and he was fully enlightened.
There is causality.
Human beings can be trained.

That's it. That's it.

And then there is the recognition of the three fetters:

I am somebody.
I need to do something.
I don't know if I can do it or if it's the right thing to do.

So because there's no assumption that there is a limit, or that there is a ceiling, the sky really is the limit here. Well no actually, the Deathless, the Unconditioned is the 'limit'. So the Buddha's remark that "whatever you think and ponder on, that becomes the inclination of your mind" is so powerful - because there's no assumption that this thing is within your capability or not, but that, if you think it is, then it could be; if you think it is not, then it is not.

That's powerful stuff. Meow and KahHoe have also been forces of positive energy - I don't think they ever impose some kind of perception on me, like, you are this kind of person, you can do this, you cannot do that. There is only: just do it. The other day, climbing with Po and just hanging out with them in general, I felt so happy and good. So positive, so encouraged.

I think Ash and Damo have also helped dramatically with breaking these limits in perception. Ash told me once when I said thank you to him something like "you are here because you chose to be". That's just super empowering, because you really have a huge part in your fate. Karma is our heir, karma is our own. "I am born of my karma". He said, if the whole world tells you you can do it, but if you believe you can't, then you can't. But if the whole world tells you you cannot, but you believe you can, then you can. That really sticks with me.

On top of that, watching Free Solo and The Dawn Wall have just been super empowering. I think Alex Honnold and Tommy Caldwell in particular, the vibe they gave me was not like some peppy, highly motivational inspiring 'YOU CAN DO IT' marketing -- the belief that it is possible was just such a nonchalant affair, so ordinary and so blatant as a modus operandi / conviction that it was probably kind of jarring, because like, wow, how can you believe that you can climb 3000ft without ropes? How can you believe that you can climb a vertical rock wall with only 9 fingers? Just the plain, no-questions-asked 'I'm gonna do it' attitude was sufficient as an approach. Tommy in one of his talks said that The Dawn Wall project was an idea, a spark, not a goal. If he had approached it as a goal, he probably wouldn't have been able to do it.

All these influences, plus the super nonjudgemental, super encouraging and positive culture in Melbourne has really given me a kind of spark of positivity I don't think I had before. Like what Ash said with "if the whole world tells you you can't, but you believe you can" thing -- that belief that it is possible, not as a personality thing, not from sakkaya-ditthi, but almost just believing in the possibility that it can be done -- I now feel that in my heart, or like the center of my being. At least I do for climbing. Still working on the whole enlightenment thing haha!

I noticed the difference this trip back to Malaysia. I don't think I'd noticed before just how negative the environment or thinking is back in Malaysia. People create themselves and one another endlessly. It's so apparent and so common that it seems like nothing, but it is so toxic. Almost leaves a bitter taste in my mouth or a migraine. Things like "no la, you not enough strength one", "it's too hard for you", "you too heavy already, cannot one la" or just plain insults like "what kind of rubbish shot is that", etc (mostly sport references here haha). The judgement, the imposing of perceptions -- without mindfulness and wisdom, the recipient of these words just believes it. It just becomes a solidified view that yes, I am this person, I am like that, this is all that I am, and this is how it will be for eternity. It's like being boxed in the chest, slapped in the face. So that thing that Ash said was so powerful for me, because I was definitely surrounded by these attitudes when I came back - I don't think I'd noticed how prevalent or incessant they were before. I may not realise it but this kind of mindset has probably contributed hugely to my conditioning or sense of self or perception of myself or the world or human potential in general. So keeping in mind that, I believe I can do it. These negative perceptions, although they did definitely affect me and "dull the shine", did not have an overwhelming finality to them that I think I probably gave in to 99.99% of the time in the past. There was a sense of space, it's a very light kind of feeling - that perhaps we are limitless and that it is possible.

So I think I've been able to see this more tangibly with climbing. Not telling myself that I cannot do this problem because it's a super high grade, or at least not being final about it. But leaving the door open to possibility. Perhaps not even thinking "I can do it" or "maybe I can do it", but just a wordless trying without expectation, a wordless spaciousness. Just try. Just fall. Have fun. Don't take it so serious. It's about the climb!

I love that. I love how empowering that is. I love the feeling of, after falling off the wall, just looking at the problem and trying to figure it out, coming back and making it just a little further, maybe holding on a little longer or making it past a certain hold I was stuck at. I love that. Maybe it's still seeking progress, but I love that there's no sense of finality or giving up. That's something I struggled with climbing in Malaysia. I was climbing with Ryan, and he was definitely imposing those negative perceptions on me, like "Don't even try, it's so hard" (definitely not taking it personally, it's all conditioning!!). Like, what is the point you know? Why do you climb? I think I did ask him that -- why do you climb?

I don't really know. It's just fun. The process is fun. Whatever it is, it's really not about topping! I think this is the biggest thing for me. Perhaps for once in my life, it's not about achieving some end-goal.

So transferring this kind of mindset into Dhamma practice? I think with climbing it's a lot more tangible, because it is a physical thing. So you do see your body strengthening up, your arms hurting less, your holds getting more solid, your technique flowing better. You do see tangible outcomes of your mental and physical efforts in how much further you progress in the route, or things like duration of holds, and so on. With Dhamma practice, a lot of it is the mind, and the mind can honestly be so tricky. I think I'm speaking particularly about meditation, where I still struggle with my breath.

Recently what I've been trying is just dropping the idea that "this is tricky" - I noticed I've built into my perceptions that "this is effortful, this is difficult" because I've struggled so much with it in the past. That kind of mindset really doesn't help. Meow and Aunty Pam recently have said, "It's actually such a simple thing". And so, working from that kind of thinking is actually opening up the mindset of "I can do it". And recognising that it really is a super easy thing. The breath is right there. Just chill out and take a look, you know?

I think if there's any frustration around it, it's just the three fetters operating.

"I am a Buddhist meditator, I need to be able to watch the breath with ease and achieve something given all the time and effort I've put into my practice, but I really don't know if I can do it / don't think I can do it!"

Drop, drop, drop. Let go, let go, let go. Take a look: what happens when you go with the wordless spaciousness of possibility?

Laptop battery is dying.

This is not an inspiring post

not inspiring October 11, 2019

Crash course

2 weeks till I'm out of the sling.

I've been having a hard time since the accident. Yes, lots of gratitude and joy -- but also suffering, of course. Ajahn Hasapañño the other day said I was getting a "crash course on the First Noble Truth, no pun intended" (he's the best).

I'm just gonna be really honest about how I feel right now. In many ways, I feel like I haven't been doing very well. I feel like I'm not practising well, my meditation hasn't been as consistent as what it was. I think that's taken a toll on my self-esteem because no matter how bad I was doing in life, I was always sitting consistently. I'm putting in more effort to pull back and reestablish that consistency, but it hasn't been the same.

Which fair enough -- conditions are different. The whole arm and foot situation is just making me less mobile in general. Not being able to work out or even go out for very long is incredibly frustrating. I feel like the whole thing has crashed my flow - my social life, exercise regime, uni routine, etc. I feel like I'm just waiting for this whole thing to pass so that normalcy may resume.

That's kind of scary when I think about it, because that's still time passing, whether or not I want it to, and whether or not I'm making best use of it. That's like being totally reliant on conditions - totally disempowering.

I've been escaping the discomfort and finding pleasure through K-dramas (judge me all you want), I've been moody and emotional and grouchy, I've been really scattered on some days, really mentally drained, dreaming way too much at night to really feel rested.

I've also been quite frustrated and concerned about uni. I'm doing the best that I can, giving it 100%, putting so much effort into it that it's not even funny. It's been frustrating because I definitely feel less focused, and things take way longer to get done. At the start of the semester, I was already feeling drained and unmotivated, already having to push myself to perform. Things are just harder with this whole situation.

But in some ways, I feel more free.

Because of these restrictions, I've been telling myself 'it's alright'. I've been telling myself I'm doing my best, and that's enough. Because if you think about it, how can your best not be enough? Your best is the limit of what is possible given the present conditions. What lies beyond that is impossible. So it is impossible to do less than your best, no matter how shit you think it is. I'm giving it my best, and that is enough -- it has to be.

'Die friends'

This experience has taught me a lot about the value of friendship. In this talk by Ajahn Jayasaro, he shares a Thai idiom: there are two kinds of friends - 'eat friends' and 'die friends'. An 'eat friend' is someone who will eat with you -- particularly if you're paying -- but when times get tough, they disappear. But a 'die friend' is someone who will die for you.

I felt so touched and paiseh (translation for non-Malaysians: embarrassed / shameful / shy) for troubling Gülsüm when she offered to stay over to help with cooking and things. She said something like "If I can't do this for you, then our friendship means nothing." That shut me up and I felt so blessed. We don't even see each other that often, like not even on a weekly basis type of thing.

The past few months, I've been introspecting and pondering the harshness of life with Asanga. The guy is like doing some epic traveling, the quinessential Eurotrip, but we've been in touch like he's in Melbourne (plus time difference). Makes me think distance isn't a physical thing; distance is in the heart. You could be next to each other but miles apart. There's no real excuse, if that person matters enough (then again, people connect and express themselves on different levels, all good).

Massively grateful for my 'die friends'.

Peace ✌️