I definitely did more work on 2 and 3 this year. 1 is an ongoing thing, can always be better. Can't remember 4, lmao.

I'm pretty happy with how I kept my resolutions to be honest. I definitely cut down on social media use tremendously and feel so much more free. I'm currently reading Matt Haig's "Notes on a Nervous Planet" which talks about social media and technology and their relation to anxiety in the modern world and it's some real talk man. I definitely see what he's getting at after cutting back on Facebook and Instagram. Social media is pretty toxic - I'm not gonna get into the nitty-gritty in this post (might do one in the future???) but for anyone interested I highly recommend reading the book, and of course actually trying to cut back on social media for yourself for first-hand experience.

1. Don't blindly follow a set of standards just because the majority of the world is.
2. Nobody really knows what they're doing. 
3. It's a crazy world (FYR)
4. Before undertaking a task, ask yourself: will this arouse joy and gladness in my heart after it is done? Can I do it? Protecting the heart from resentment is more important than doing something helpful for someone.
5. Give where you feel inspired. Give where you think it will be well used. Shouldn't do it just because you feel compelled or obliged.
6. When in doubt, try it out (*does not apply to drugs lmao)
7. Be brave!! Dare to try, dare to fail and dare to learn. Dare to live.
8. Feeling like a complete train wreck? All good, at least you know. All part of the path.
9. Monks are human too!!!
10. Admirable friends on the path are so important because they provide inspiring, tangible examples of how to practice. More on this in this epic article, highly highly recommend reading.
11. Can't be best mates with everyone and that's alright.
12. Suffering is your friend, craving is your enemy. Not the other way around.
13. Protect your goodwill.
14. It's more about cultivating a spaciousness of the mind, instead of trying to "get my samadhi"
15. The Middle Way - something you feel your way to. Can't figure it out with the thinking mind.
16. The practice of sīla or morality should give you ease, not anxiety and stress. Keeping moral precepts means no one can rightfully blame you for those things within the scope of your precepts.
17. It's the attachment that's the problem, not the condition itself.
18. Conceit can be used as a tool for arousing confidence -- "if they can do it, why can't I?"
19. The breath is an admirable friend that you can always rely on.
20. Praise and blame are other people's perceptions of you, not what you really are. They don't really know you.
21. Karma - it's just understanding that you have free choice, and that your actions lead to consequences.
22. Compassion can show itself in different ways. Sometimes compassion is just listening.
23. This life is full of possibility and potential. What will you do with it?
24. Respect the body.
25. If you are tired, rest.
26. Take it day by day. If you can tell yourself to keep up the right effort for just today, this one day of effort becomes something you do everyday. And everyday becomes a week, a month, a year, your whole life. Then you look back and you know, you really did do your best. It starts from today. Or even just this breath.
27. Learning to laugh at yourself is very important! Infinite good humour!
28. Dating is fkn brutal man.
29. Do not go on a cruise - Ever! Again! 

Going forward

Speaking to Ajahn Hāsapañño about the whole injury situation from this past semester, I told him how my mind fell into a pit after a while, being unable to do a lot of the things I used to do when my body was well and healthy. I reverted to YouTube and Netflix and social media for comfort and distraction. I started slacking off at meditation. I started getting more irritable.

I asked Ajahn what he would have done in my situation to lift himself out of that state.

He thought about it for a second then asked me, well now that you have the benefit of hindsight, what would you have done?

I said I thought I could have been more disciplined with myself - with things like waking up early, making sure I get those sits in, because with the injury it was easy to tell myself "ah, I broke my arm, I deserve to sleep in". And of course sitting was a chore because of the bodily discomfort of sitting still for a period of time in general, and the discomfort from a torn ligament. Then I told him, I say this now but I feel I couldn't have pushed myself in that way at that time, given those conditions.

Ajahn said something like, well it sounds like that was all you could have done at that time. We usually get a real honest measure of where we're at in our practice when we are sick or injured, or when we make a mistake. This tells us how we're going without all the pretenses we've been giving ourselves. He said this kind of experience shows you what you've been taking for granted when conditions were good.

We reflected on how I had been relying on a sense of a healthy body and order for happiness. Similarly, he said that many monks, when they get older, their knees start to give them problems so they can't sit in meditation anymore and they refuse to use a chair.

So then when the body breaks down, where is happiness to be found?

My habitual conditioning of course directed me to sense pleasures, which explains why I was hardcore just watching  videos and movies all the time. Just trying to escape the discomfort. Easy, quick, immediate pain relief. Or pain distraction. Because that's what I associated with happiness.

I told Ajahn I had been listening to Ajahn Thanissaro's talks, and mentioned how he advises you to "nourish the mind with the food of concentration". As in, to find pleasure and happiness in the breath, in concentration. Because when your body breaks down, you have your mind to deal with. And if the mind has been trained to find happiness in concentration, that is where you can go if nothing else. I told Ajahn I knew that theoretically, but because my concentration wasn't there yet, I couldn't do it. So it was a kind of dilemma or balancing act, where the less concentration you have, the more you're likely to revert to sense pleasures for happiness. And the more sense pleasures you engage in, the more difficult it is to cultivate concentration. A tough one.

I think we started talking about how tense I am in the practice. How I always feel I'm not doing enough.

Ajahn said something around giving myself a break. Which confused me a bit, but I think his point was: reward yourself for your efforts in the practice (while being cautious about letting it revert to self-indulgence). 

This advice incited a mini paradigm shift - I generally see the practice as a chore, something that requires copious amounts of effort. But actually, the practice is like a hobby, or a skill. Say, like rock climbing (of course). Climbing isn't easy. But it's fun. Something doesn't have to be easy for you to find fulfillment in it. In fact, the challenge in developing your skills in climbing is what makes it fun. Same with the practice - it is hard. It is probably the hardest undertaking of your life. But it is enjoyable because everyday there is meaning. Everyday there is effort going into cultivating yourself, into bettering yourself. The effort you put in to the practice leads to blamelessness, harmlessness, goodwill, wisdom and skill that allows you to rely on yourself when you are in trouble.

I was reflecting with Damian the other day about how when I first started practising, I wasn't trying to be perfect. I was just trying to be good. And any amount of effort or intention directed to that end was enough, because it was something. So the practice was enjoyable, rewarding. But after a while, you make some progress, and you start wanting to be perfect. That's the kind of mindset the world and society at large instills into you.

I mentioned to Ajahn about this talk by Ajahn Siripañño on right effort and self esteem. An important point I took away from it was that "right" effort doesn't refer to a specific amount of effort, or a hard and fast list of things to do. It depends on what you need, based on your character and your conditions right now. The talk mentions a study which found that when American students failed in the first task, they were likely to do badly in the second task because they were demotivated. But if they succeeded in the first task, that boosted their confidence, so they would do well in the second task. Conversely, when Japanese students failed in the first task, they would feel motivated to try harder in the second task and do better. Ajahn used this study to illustrate cultural conditioning around what "effort" and "self esteem" is. He said the point is not that one or the other was right or wrong, but that different types of conditioning just require different things to encourage effort.

I love this because it requires ingenuity and creativity, and it's empowering. It's not like, oh you can't do X, Y and Z so you're hopeless, you're done for, that's just the way you are, and that's it. It's looking at your individual needs and conditions, and working with that, which is more realistic and effective.

Looking at my conditioning - I've always been very high strung, putting too much force into the path. So clearly the effort has to be in relaxing. Which sounds paradoxical, but it works.

At some point Ajahn goes, "So you have more of an anxiety temperament" and I'm fully like, "AJAHN I THOUGHT YOU KNEW ALREADY" 😂😂😂

I think Ajahn's message to me is to find enjoyment in the practice. To play. Because if I don't enjoy it, if I don't feel happy doing it, then I'm not going to want to rely on it when I'm in trouble. So that's a big goal for me in 2020: to play!

1. Enjoy the path, enjoy the breath
2. Refine right speech
3. Work on being less impulsive and indecisive. Work at overcoming doubt and cultivating confidence, clarity and firmness
4. Be more authentic, more true
5. Refine generosity
6. Prioritise things that protect the heart
7. Hang out with Sangha more!

• Ajahn Thanissaro at Wat Palelai on 15th December 2017
• The particulars of your suffering by Ajahn Thanissaro
• Look after yourself with ease by Ajahn Thanissaro
• Well being despite it all by Ajahn Thanissaro
• Like an athlete in training by Ajahn Thanissaro
• Consistently on the path by Ajahn Thanissaro
• Respect your mind by Ajahn Thanissaro
• The art of right speech by Ajahn Thanissaro
• Daily life Dhamma by Ajahn Thanissaro

Alright, I think I'm happy with this post. I'll end it here. Wishing everyone a meaningful year ahead!!

🌸🌸🌸