"What I tell myself when things get too much"

January 15, 2020

I love lists. 

Here is a great one by Matt Haig, from his masterpiece of a book "Notes on a nervous planet". I rarely connect with an author through their writing the way I did with this book. I really feel like Haig put his whole heart into it and laid bare his own vulnerabilities - in other words, this is a gift from him.
Highly recommend, so relevant for people wanting to stay grounded in the mess that is modern life.

I wanted to share this snippet from his book, because I think everyone needs it in their life haha.

(P.S. number 5 is one of my personal favourites)


What I tell myself when things get too much
  1. It's okay.
  2. Even if it isn't okay, if it's a thing you can't control, don't try to control it.
  3. You feel misunderstood. Everyone is misunderstood. Don't worry about other people understanding you. Aim to understand yourself. Nothing else will matter after that.
  4. Accept yourself. If you can't be happy as yourself, at least accept yourself as you are right now. You can't change yourself if you don't know yourself.
  5. Never be cool. Never try to be cool. Never worry what the cool people think. Head for the warm people. Life is warmth. You'll be cool when you're dead.
  6. Find a good book. And sit down and read it. There will be times in your life when you'll feel lost and confused. The way back to yourself is through reading. I want you to remember that. The more you read, the more you will know how to find your way through those difficult times.
  7. Don't fix yourself down. Don't be blinded by the connotations of your name, gender, nationality, sexuality or Facebook profile. Be more than data to be harvested. 'When I let go of what I am,' said the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, 'I become what I might be.'
  8. Slow down. Also Lao Tzu: 'Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.'
  9. Enjoy the internet. Don't use it when you aren't enjoying it. (Nothing has sounded so easy and been so hard.)
  10. Remember that many people feel like you. You can even go online and find them. This is one of the most therapeutic aspects of the social media age. You can find an echo of your pain. You can find someone who will understand.
  11. As Yoda nearly put it, you can't try to be. Trying is the opposite of being.
  12. The things that make you unique are flaws. Imperfections. Embrace them. Don't seek to filter out your human nature.
  13. Don't let marketing convince you that happiness is a commercial transaction. As the Cherokee-American cowboy Will Rogers once put it, 'Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.'
  14. Never miss breakfast.
  15. Go to bed before midnight most days.
  16. Even during manic times - Christmas, family occasions, hectic work patches, city holidays - find some moments of peace. Retreat to a bedroom now and then. Add a comma to your day.
  17. Shop less.
  18. Do some yoga. It's harder to be stressed out if your body and your breath isn't.
  19. When times get rocky, keep a routine.
  20. Do not compare the worst bits of your life with the best bits of other people's.
  21. Value the things most that you'd miss the most if they weren't there.
  22. Don't try to pin yourself down. Don't try to understand, once and for all, who you are. As the philosopher Alan Watts said, 'trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth'.
  23. Go for a walk. Go for a run. Dance. Eat peanut butter on toast.
  24. Don't try to feel something you don't feel. Don't try to be something you can't be. That energy will exhaust you.
  25. Connecting with the world has nothing to do with wi-fi.
  26. There is no future. Planning for the future is just planning for another present in which you will be planning for the future.
  27. Breathe.
  28. Love now. Love right now. If you have someone or something to love, do it this instant. Love fearlessly. As Dave Eggers wrote: 'It is no way to live, to wait to love.' Throw love out there selflessly.
  29. Don't feel guilty. It is almost impossible, unless you are a sociopath, not to feel some guilt these days. We are cluttered with guilt. There is the guilt we learned at childhood mealtimes, the guilt of eating while knowing there are starving people in the world. The guilt of privilege. The eco-guilt of driving a car or flying in a plane or using plastic. The guilt of buying stuff that may be unethical in some way we can't quite see. The guilt of unspoken or unfaithful desires. The guilt of not being the things other people wanted you to be. The guilt of taking up space. The guilt of not being able to do things other people can do. The guilt of being ill. The guilt of living. It's useless, this guilt. It doesn't help anyone. Try to do good right now, without drowning in whatever bad you might once have done.
  30. See yourself outside market forces. Don't compete in the game. Resist the guilt of non-doing. Find the uncommodified space inside us. The true space. The human space. The space that could never be measured in terms of numbers or money or productivity. The space that the market economy can't see.
  31. Look at the sky. (It's amazing. It's always amazing.)
  32. Spend some time with a non-human animal.
  33. Be unashamedly boring. Boring can be healthy. When life gets tough, aim for those beige emotions.
  34. Don't value yourself in line with other poeple's valuation of yourself. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.'
  35. The world can be sad. But remember a million unsung acts of kindness happened today. A million acts of love. Quiet human goodness lives on.
  36. Don't beat yourself up for being a mess. It's fine. The universe is a mess. Galaxies are drifting all over the place. You're just in tune with the cosmos.
  37. If you're feeling mentally unwell, treat yourself as you would any physical problem. Asthma, flu, whatever. Do what you need to do to get better. And have no shame about it. Don't keep walking around on a broken leg.
  38. It's okay to cry. People cry. Women cry. And men cry. They have tear ducts and lachrymal glands just like other human beings. A man crying is no different from a woman crying. It's natural. Social roles are toxic when they don't allow an outlet for pain. Or sentimental emotion. Cry, human. Cry your heart out.
  39. Allow yourself to fail. Allow yourself to doubt. Allow yourself to feel vulnerable. Allow yourself to change your mind. Allow yourself to be imperfect. Allow yourself to resist dynamism. Allow yourself not to shoot through life like an arrow speeding with purpose.
  40. Try to want less. A want is a hole. A want is a lack. That is part of the definition. When the poet Byron wrote 'I want a hero' he meant that he didn't have one. The act of wanting things we don't need makes us feel a lack we didn't have. Everything you need is here. A human being is complete just being human. We are our own destination.

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